this is just the begining of the ending

i admit it is hard to move on. i could only bring myself to take very small step ahead. my heart is frozen. the gate to my love life is temporarily close. i have no intention to be with someone else at this very moment. i don't want start and don't even want to create another sweet memories. my life is under-construction for now.
however, i know its no fair that i am still hang on with the guy. while, the man has understand his part to be general with each other.
i admit our conversation just now is hard, pain and long. though, its worth to bring it up again to at least we could updated with what we are trying to fix all this time.
its true we cant fix a broken glass that the pieces is all over the place. forgive and forget. its like a round shape trying to fit a square shape together. even if we can't be together, i'm here and we will always be friends.
i always imagine that i could be happy with myself being solo, have a great career&life, beautiful in and outside and surrounded by my beloved family and loyal friends.
though i wonder when can this be happening when i am always stubborn and keep on making mistakes and create problem. i don't want my life to be strict-ed by a man and a guy guard side by side me. i still want my freedom but in a Christian way and also i still want to be loved. i have very few loyal friends or should i realize it by now that i don't even have any. pity me.

my next major plan.. well, end of this month, we are going to start with the business plan already. gosh, i haven't even start yet for the proposal. i need a black and white to prove this business is a serious matter. wish us all the best.

not afraid to be stand alone..

im here sitting as time passes me by with an opportunity tht i should take before its to late to regret. i would like to rest from being committed with any heavy responsibility except my job. i have many things to complaint about other than my broken relationship. however, i do some how wanted to be with someone who i truly love and wanna spend my entire life with. imagining my path with beautiful children that i wanna make them grow up to be a good christian, comfortable and affordable financial status, having a good relationship with my faithful husband, family members and a blessed career ahead of me. 

though, i think i need to put on hold with that negotiation deal until further notice in my life. i wanna prove that i can be with my self entirely solo with a focus goal to open my own business. currently, i need to have a good proposal and a great backup plan rite now. i hope and would like to be friends with a business owner, so i could gain useful tips around to open a long term business of my sibling's own. i even thinking of updating my self with latest IT information. if its possible, i wanna do a home based business in developing website to potential clients. i surely wanted to do something somehow. GOD BLESS ME, please..

now, all i know is i wanted to declare that i am not afraid to be alone. i really wanna start something useful for me and my family. with a plus edition that i wanted to remain single until i could place something ahead of me.   

in this world

in this world, stand a lady with a perfect image like her god. she's been so bless-fully gifted with a loving parents, sisters and maybe a few nice friends around her.
since she was little, she always wanted to be super hero, jumping here and there just to prove that what superman, batman and spiderman doing is real. but as time goes by and now she is matured enough to understand that these superheros are nothing but a total joke and fantasy. how stupid she must felt when she know this. total stupid!
she always dreamt of being someone who is influential in her surrounding and with her history of politician generation from his father's side, had turn to be a caring person.. caring for the needy and being nice to everyone cause she had learn that world peace is very important to live in a harmonize environment.
she lives one of the houses in an urban place. with beautiful stray dogs that she had taken care since little.
currently she is declaring her solitary status.. even though it is just a day off but at least, she is free from commitment.
all this while, people look at her as a sweet person but she is just as bad as everyone.

a guy

dearest guy,

i promise not to repeat my mistakes but i did. i realize that i had made a lot of it. so now, here im asking to end it once and for all.
i never have the intention to hurt you but i guess you are better off without me.
from the very start of our day together, i really wanna prove to you that i could be the best for you.
But every time i try, you discourage me with your looks and attitude. it pisses me off totally.

though, im thankful to meet a gentle guy like you.
your patience really attracts me. its totally unforgettable.
all the present that you gave me, thank you so much! i will always keep it as a remembrance.

well, this is the end. the relationship between me and you.
even though i know, i feel that there's still some love in my heart for you. im sorry that i need to put it away because i don't want to risk another of your precious chance to be with someone who is total jerk for you.
so here, i wanted to do a statement that i dont belong to you, you belong to someone who can really treat you well. .

i wish you all the happiness and im very sorry to all the wasted time you spend with me. she deserve you better than me. thank you once again. you have no regret to leave someone like me.

god bless you always. we will always be friends.

a man

dearest man,

i cant stop thinking about u. i cant stop dreaming about u. everywhere i go, your face seem to get stuck in my head. are we meant to be? i know we are over in term of our relationship but im so bless that we are at least still friends. reminiscing our previous moments was beautiful but i end it all cause i couldnt take the responsibility to fix it already. i should have gone slow with the break up process but i didnt. i wanted to regret all the action i've made but i guess i shouldnt. i'm taking that as one of the solution to let you be happy, find your self being a man and also experience all the beautiful moments being as a young man before you commit yourself to a marriage.
meeting back with you on that day was one my joyful time, maybe you cant see it clearly but it is all felt in my heart. thank you for still treating me good, and i realize you did improved and fix something somehow in your self.
so this is our promise, i dont dare to email anything to you cause i dont want to disturb your mind, feeling and your education.
however, i could only browse through your pictures in my computer box. i know that you are currently happy with some girl who i understand is a really nice girl. i wish you all the best. i dont know how we'll be ending up our future but i will always wish you happiness.
honestly, i'm kinda jealous cause as time pass by, i wish to be by your side, wanted to experience all the your sad, joyful and hard moments but im here and you're there, we are far apart.
its hurt to see your profile especially when uninvited face is being place on your prime page. well, im just an ordinary human that have weaknesses inside. :)
this journey somehow teaches me about my selfishness and the ego attitude as i mistakenly understood as a person who dont want to be look down on and my happiness is more important that anyone else.. so right now, im am going to learn slow about this negatives and try to accept thing as they are.

dearest man,

i dont want to burned your self about me. i know we have promise something but i wish it didnt effect your decision in life. be happy.
though, im still hoping something somehow.

dearest world, i have fall in love with you. with all the beauty that you possessed makes me fly high. However, recently im so sad with the earthquakes and tornado, it killed many people and makes life harder to live when someone who they depend the most died just like tht.
i must have been lucky to stand on this soil which is a bit far from that situation. i couldnt imagine my life without my loved once. though, regrets is always a regrets.

one heart for two guys..

im in the state of destroying myself with all this emotional im going through. having a love feeling for these two guys and i just need to STOP!..
i love my boyfriend that's one thing but i am also still in love with my ex. but me and my ex knew for sure that the past is over and now we are friends. no matter what. well, thank god for that cause i just cant accept if we are enemy after all the love making thing we did. gosh. weird.
believe me that my boyfriend is so unpredictable, i thought he is a guy who give up easily on me but as many trouble making i've committed, he is still here with me, giving me that chances that i dont want and still support me to stop and have faith in me i can change my attitude. unbelievable.
however, i understand and i respect that my ex has the freedom of choice. :)
but honestly im still jealous. well, stupid me.
however, i should be thankful that my boyfriend still love me crazily even after all the mistakes.. well not everybody is round and perfect..